Confessions of a Self Destructive Soul

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Wanting Too Much

Here’s a little something before the  pointless, mawkish Valentine’s Day fanfare makes me hate the idea of love.

I want silence,
the kind where we sit
under the stars and say nothing
to each other.

I want trust,
the kind where I close my eyes
and let myself go
knowing that you’ll catch me.

I want laughter,
the kind where we can’t stop
until our stomachs hurt and we
don’t remember the joke anymore.

I want intimacy,
the kind where my entire existence
converges on that one point
where you hands are on me.

I want conversation,
the kind where we talk about
life and death and love
and everything in between.

I want peace,
the kind where nothing else matters
except the steady rhythm
of your heartbeat.

I want you,
the kind where you’re mine
and we give each other
everything we want.

Her Story

This time she didn’t wish for a happy ending for she stopped believing in one. She stopped hoping for a miracle. She was tired. Exhausted. And above all, defeated. The light that filtered through her broken being passed right through; sucked into the black hole she had created for herself. Not only did the solitude comfort her, she craved it. Her eyes didn’t betray the heaviness of her soul. She lied well. No one cared to look under her cloak of indifference. She wore an armor over her heart and reveled in its solidity. She saw nightmares and wrote about dreams. Dreams that she knew would never come true. She had long lost the battle with destiny. She wasn’t fighting anymore. Just struggling. Struggling with identity. Struggling with existence. Hope was a word she had long forgotten the meaning of. The sun burned her, the moon taunted her and the birds spoke of freedom of which she knew not. She was friends with the sea though, for its endless grey matched hers. She was living a harsh reality, and this time she didn’t wish for a happy ending. She just wished for an end.

Gentle Reminder

This post is about people who let you down. People who don’t mean what they say, people who don’t take responsibility for their actions. People who are not brave enough to follow through, people who make empty promises. People who betray your trust, who break your heart.
And each time it happens, you question your judgement. The cynic in you rises strong. Why should I hope? Why should I expect better, expect anything at all? Why should I care?

This post is a gentle reminder to not do that. Because for every 10/100/1000 people who disappoint you, there’ll be one who doesn’t. One person who’s always there. Who keeps all the promises. Who comes through every single time. Who cares. And believe you me, that one person makes it worth all the others.
I’m very lucky to have several  such people in my life. Some I’ve known for a long time now, some I’ve met recently. But their innate goodness continues to astound me. This post is a silent message of gratitude to all of them.

Yes, you’ve been hurt, you’ve been misled, you’ve been let down. This post is to tell you that don’t ever give up on people, you never know when the next miracle is waiting to happen.

The Storm

I wish I could tell someone. I’m scared. I’m scared of the storm that’s raging outside. Each time the lightning strikes, the empty space comes alive with light. But only for a second, before everything plunges back into darkness. The windows are whistling. No matter how hard I try to fasten them shut, the storm finds a way to reach me. The rustling trees sound like apocalypse and the rattling doors feel like monsters trying to break in. I’ve never felt more alone. I try to think happy thoughts, and for a moment it works. But within seconds they’re replaced by the voice. The same voice that derides me for being happy, the voice that tells me that I don’t deserve it. The voice that keeps me from feeling too lucky, being too content. The voice loves the storm. I hate it. It seems like it’ll go on forever. Can’t imagine a more miserable infinity than this. The lightning is striking closer with each passing second; the clouds are angrier, and the shadows darker. The goosebumps on my skin are the physical manifestations of the chaos in my head. But one singular thought can be heard out loud. The storm, make it stop. I wish I could tell someone. I’m scared.

More Than Just What’s Up

Take a chance.

Don’t just send friend requests, be a friend.

Don’t ask them where they’re from, or what they do.

Ask them who they are.

Ask them at what point life turned them into a cynic.

Ask them why they’re afraid of thunderstorms.

Ask them why a butterfly makes them smile.

Ask them why the moon makes them sad.

Tell them why you love history.

Tell them what keeps you up at 2 a.m.

Tell them about your favorite spot in the city.

Tell them how your imagined future looks like.

See their life through their eyes.

Show them your life through your eyes.

Don’t just take selfies, make memories.

Dig deep till you find their warm, pulsating heart.

Let them dig deep till they find yours.

Promise to be there for them.

Be there for them.

Demand their shoulder when you want to cry.

Go ahead, take a chance.

Be a friend.

It’s A War

“He’s mine.” she said

“He’s mine.” she replied

“He said he loves me more than anyone else.”

“He has promised me his life.”

“He is my world. My happiness is only because of him. You can’t have him”

“My existence is only because of him. I need him.”

“He deserves better.”

“He chose me.”

The mother lost a son, the motherland won a soldier.

Sunset Musings

She wasn’t there for the clear blue water, the fine white sand, the music of crashing waves, or the solitude that the beach promised. She was there for the sunset.

Someone had once told her that sunsets were romantic. She disagreed. It had more to do with romanticism rather than being romantic. Romanticizing the colors, the silhouettes, the feeling of witnessing a natural transition. Sunset blurred the hard edges off everything, maybe that’s why.

As the sunset approached, birds were flying home, and the distant mountains stood in anticipation of the approaching darkness. The sea met the sky in a riot of red and orange.
The colors intensified as they faded. The sun promised a new hello while saying goodbye. Contrast. Quite a soul stirrer.

In that moment she wasn’t a person burdened with the expectation of living a great life, but someone full of wonder, still of belief that magic existed. She wasn’t a person surrounded by walls a thousand feet high. but someone with a wild spirit and an open heart. Everything and everyone she didn’t need, she let go with the dying sun.

Her life wasn’t in the number of people she had loved. Her life wasn’t in the number of places she had called home. Her life was in the number of sunsets she had paused to appreciate. And damn, what a wonderful life it was.