I wish I knew what I did wrong. Is that a lot to ask for, closure? Or did you decide that I do not deserve to know, that I deserve to suffer?
It’s ironic because I have a degree in communication studies, and communicating is what I spectacularly failed at. I guess I never let you know how much you meant to me. Sometimes I live too much inside my head.
I don’t let a lot of people in. But you made it. You made it through the awkward hellos, the uncomfortable silences, the mask of being too cool to care. You paved your way through some walls, only to find some more, and you tore them down too. You found the key. And just when I was enjoying the breath of fresh air you brought in, you turned back and walked right out. You didn’t even look back once.
I will apologize. Call it therapy, call it self-care. I’m sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations. I’m sorry I disappointed you. I’m sorry I made life choices that you didn’t like. I’m sorry I wasn’t more expressive. I’m sorry if you feel like I looked past you. I didn’t. I noticed every single time you didn’t look me straight in the eye. I noticed when you spoke to everyone in the room but me. I noticed how you went from dislike to resentment to hate to absolute indifference. And that’s what hurts the most. The part where it feels like we never shared something special, ever. Like the present has wiped out the past.
I wish I could go back in time and see the exact moment where you decided that you didn’t want to be a part of my life. Laughter became awkward smiles, phone calls turned to short texts, and then radio silence. Our lives no longer intersected. You became somebody that I used to know. When I needed a friend, you weren’t there. And maybe you have the same complaints. Maybe all we had to do was say something. I tried. I swear I did. And then my heart got tired of being broken. It sought shelter under my ego. Under the same mask of being too cool to care that you once saw through.
I still wish you all the happiness in the world. I try my best to remember only the good parts. I tell myself some people aren’t meant to stay. But some day our lives might intersect again and maybe, just maybe, this time you’ll decide to stay.